For context; I’ve had a few ideas knocking about for a while, regarding a potential miniseries about a confused young man navigating the fetish community. Here is the pilot for that miniseries. I just wanted documented proof of a thing that I’d written. Publishing it here (I think) immediately disqualifies it from being entered in any competitions and the like, which is probably the only way it would ever get made, but I’ve decided that a few middling comments from a screenplay judge isn’t worth the potential feedback this might get from a wider range of people (he said optimistically).
Unless, of course, someone reading this wants to make it. In which case, please get in touch.
What Kel K. Chose (Pilot)
by Declan Cochran
INT. BAR ROOM – NIGHT
A big gathering of people are in a room at the back of a slightly dingy, but also slightly upmarket, bar. It’s a diverse bunch of young and old, and they are all clustered in various groupings and cliques. One of the bigger groupings is a group of around ten, at a table with benches at the back of the room.
One of the group is a young guy called Kel. He’s in his early twenties, quiet, and seems largely out of his depth, but he has a certain confidence and wide-eyed curiosity that people find instinctively trustworthy and, perhaps, wise. He is a perpetual blank slate upon which people love to paint themselves.
He is sat opposite a couple, Jane and Mark, who are holding hands and talking animatedly.
MARK
But that’s the difference, right. That’s the thing. It’s not about love.
JANE
Amory.
MARK
Yeah, amory. It’s not about that. I love Jane, I love her to bits.
Jane smiles and leans into Mark’s shoulder.
MARK
And I don’t want to love anyone else. I won’t date anyone else.
JANE
We’ve tried it, though.
MARK
Yeah.
JANE
It wasn’t very successful.
KEL
Did you both get jealous?
JANE
I didn’t. It was mainly Mark.
Mark gives a ‘ehh, it wasn’t quite like that’ face.
MARK
No, no. Well, yes. No. It’s… Jealousy isn’t the word.
JANE
Are you sure?
Mark
I’ve seen you get fucked by three guys in the same night. It wasn’t jealousy. It was just…
Jane and Kel look at him, slightly confused, waiting for him to finish.
MARK
Fine, call it jealousy.
Jane laughs.
JANE
I’m just winding you up. We both just felt like going exclusive, with one another.
KEL
So if it’s not polyamory, what would you call it?
MARK
I think ethical non-monogamy, is probably the best word for it.
JANE
Yeah. We see other people, but we love each other.
KEL
Right. And how did this, like, happen? Like, did you know beforehand that you were both kinky, or was it a happy accident?
Jane gives a look indicating serious thought. Mark looks at Kel and smiles.
MARK
Got a lot of questions, haven’t you?
KEL
Oh, sorry! Sorry. I’m just interested.
Mark smiles at Kel.
MARK
You don’t need to apologise.
Kel smiles back, and their stares at one another linger slightly. Jane looks at them both.
JANE
Oh come on Mark, he’s still wet behind the ears.
Mark
I know.
Mark winks at Kel, who looks a bit befuddled.
JANE
Well, if you two are going to do this, Kel, you should know that his penis is utterly, utterly enormous.
MARK
Oh, stop it.
Jane cackles and Mark smiles coyly.
KEL
I honestly don’t know if you two are joking or not.
MARK
She… Isn’t. My penis is fucking big. And beautiful. I’m very proud of it.
JANE
So you should be.
She kisses him on the cheek.
KEL
But you haven’t answered my original question.
JANE
Well… We kind of knew. We met whilst we were travelling. We were staying in Laos. And we met, and hit it off, and we actually stayed with one another for a year.
KEL
Were you involved in the fetish scene in Laos?
JANE
I was, a bit. Mark was fully. I’d experimented, but I became a fully fledged member of the community through him.
MARK
Then we weren’t together for a year.
JANE
Yeah.
Mark
We knew we’d get back together. But we had to go our separate ways for a bit, for money reasons mainly, and you still had places in the world you wanted to visit.
JANE
Yeah, I did.
MARK
And it seemed unfair to deprive ourselves of what we love, so we had our own sex lives whilst we were separated. And then we met up again, moved in together, and kept that going.
KEL
And you don’t ever get jealous? Like, of the sex, not just the emotions?
MARK
No, I don’t.
JANE
Nope. It’s not easy, but rarely because of jealousy. It’s mainly a logistics thing, co-ordination. Syncing the calendars. And I have endometriosis, which puts me out of action for one week a month.
KEL
Right. Wow.
There’s a pause.
KEL
I, uh, don’t think I have anything else to ask.
JANE
Yay! The interrogation is over!
MARK
Oh, I was quite enjoying that.
JANE
I know you were. (to Kel). He loves an interrogation. The subby slut.
MARK
Guilty as charged.
JANE
Actually, that’s a point. This is why our arrangement works so well. Mark is a sub, right. In case you hadn’t noticed.
MARK
Oh, it’s actually hidden under the collar.
He pulls down his shirt-collar, and there’s a dog-collar underneath.
KEL
Wow.
JANE
And I’m not a sub myself, but I’m not a very good dominant. I’m more of a hedonist. I can play, and do scenes, but I’m much more interested in pleasure for pleasure’s sake, as opposed to the games.
MARK
You’re under-selling yourself a bit, hon.
JANE
Okay, well, I can be good when I need to be. I mean, I was the one who ordered him to wear this thing tonight.
Jane points to the collar.
MARK
Best feeling in the world.
JANE
But sometimes I just wake up, and I’m not in that mood. But I know that Mark has two other women who can cater to those needs, so it works out well.
There’s a pause.
KEL
Wow. I think I get it now. I think.
MARK
Anyway, what about you? What are your kinks?
Just after Mark asks this question, a young woman sat next to Kel, stands up. She’s been engaging with other conversation this whole time, and her standing up is the first time we’re allowed a look at her. Her name is Lucy. She’s big, brash, and Kel turns to look at her the minute she gets up.
LUCY
I’m going to the bar. Who wants a drink?
A show of hands goes up. Lucy pulls out her phone, unlocks it, and opens the notes app.
LUCY
Okay bitches, write your drinks in here, and I’ll do my best to get them to you.
She laughs. She laughs a lot. Then she hands the phone to Kel, who is sat next to her.
KEL
Oh, uh, thank you, but…
LUCY
Don’t be shy. I got a bonus today, and I want to buy a drink for all my friends.
KEL
Oh, okay, uh…
LUCY
Even the friends I haven’t made yet.
She winks at him. Kel writes ‘double rum and coke’ into her notes app. Then he passes the phone to Mark and Jane.
MARK
Oh, Lucy, do you need a hand bringing the drinks up?
LUCY
I probably will, yeah,
MARK
Well I think Kel would love to help you out.
KEL
Oh, uh, oh, I mean…
LUCY
Pleasure’s all mine.
Mark winks at Kel, who is smiling but also a little bit taken aback. The phone starts to get passed round the table.
LUCY
Sorry sweetie, what’s your name?
KEL
Oh, I’m Kel. And you are?
LUCY
I’m Lucy. Lovely to meet you.
She reaches out a hand, in a semi-ironic manner. Kel grabs it sincerely.
KEL
Pleasure.
LUCY
Oh, as I’ve said, pleasure is all mine.
Kel, once more, looks a bit flustered.
LUCY
(to Jane and Mark) He’s a shy one, isn’t he.
KEL
Just new.
LUCY
Well you won’t be when by the time I’m done with him.
Mark laughs raucously at this, and Jane smiles.
JANE
Go easy on him, love. We do actually want him to come again.
Jane gives a tiny smirk at her own pun. Lucy laughs like a drain.
LUCY
Very good.
JANE
Seriously though, kid gloves. Don’t make him too uncomfortable.
Kel downs the drink in front of him, about half a pint of beer. He starts as Jane is finishing talking, and continues for a couple of seconds after she’s stopped. If it’s a gambit, it works, as everyone is silently watching him. He dramatically puts the pint-glass back on the table.
KEL
You can make me as uncomfortable as you fucking want.
This brings the house down. Mark is enraptured with this, Jane lets out her first proper, loud, belly-laugh, and Lucy’s eyes widen.
JANE
Okay, I take it back. Do what the fuck you want with him.
LUCY
I fucking will.
The phone has made it back to Lucy.
LUCY
Right, come on stud. We’re getting drinkies.
She offers a hand to Kel, who takes it, and then they walk down to the bar together.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Lucy and Kel have just walked to the bar.
LUCY
Do you smoke?
KEL
Um… Historically, no.
LUCY
Do you want a cigarette? Before we get the drinks.
KEL
Hm.
LUCY
It’s okay if not!
KEL
Fuck it. Why not.
They walk out the back of the pub and into a little enclosed garden area.
EXT. BAR GARDEN – NIGHT
There are a handful of people dotted about, but it’s a quiet evening. They sit down, and Lucy lights up a cigarette, which she kisses the butt of, marking it red with lipstick, and then hands it to Kel, who takes it, looks, and smiles, laughing. His laughter breaks the tension of the moment, but Lucy smiles back at him.
KEL
Thanks.
LUCY
Welcome.
KEL
So, what’s your… Uh…
LUCY
Kink?
KEL
Yeah. It feels like such a weird thing to be asking.
LUCY
It is a weird fucking thing to ask!
KEL
Oh, sorry…
LUCY
Oh my god. You’re adorable. You’re at a munch, lovely. That question is the munch equivalent of ‘what do you do for a living?’
KEL
Fine, fine. So what are your kinks?
LUCY
Brat play, mainly, and general hedonism. I love switching, too.
KEL
Switch?
LUCY
When you’re not dom, or sub, but you do both depending on what you feel. A sorta fluid dynamic thing.
KEL
Oh, cool.
LUCY
I think I can guess yours.
KEL
Oh? Go ahead.
LUCY
You’re a foot guy, I an tell that right off.
KEL
Go on.
LUCY
You’re a sub, but you have a small sadism streak. You’re not polyamorous, but you’re curious about it. You like wax, you’ve never been pissed on, but you’re a little curious about that.
KEL
Right.
LUCY
But deep down, you haven’t got a fucking clue what you like, what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it. You’re here because you wanted to try, because you’re new to the area, Jane told me in the toilet, I’m not that psychic, and you’re going with the flow, and a little hesitant, but also enjoying it, and now this big, hot, fucking dynamite woman is sat opposite you, and you’re not sure what signals you should or shouldn’t be giving out, if there are even any that could penetrate her wavelength. And also that whole doe-eyed thing is, at the absolute most, only partially an act, and you’re just seeing how much mileage you can get out of it before people realise that underneath your mock-naivety, you are, in fact, a dirty dirty piece of shit, and a lot more knowledgable, and probably a lot more experienced, than you’re letting on.
Kel takes a long, long drag on his cigarette. His naivety and shyness has, for this tiny moment, eroded, and there’s a certain steeliness to him, however briefly.
KEL
All correct, except for the feet.
LUCY
Dammit. That was the bit I was most certain about, too.
KEL
Well, you were right about a lot, but you missed out a lot too. You’re welcome to have a few more guesses.
LUCY
No thanks. I’ll save my second bite of the cherry for later. We’ve got drinks to get.
KEL
Only if I get a bite too.
LUCY
If you’re lucky.
INT. BAR ROOM – NIGHT
Everyone is sat round with new drinks in front of them. Lucy, Kel, Mark, and Jane are all talking, but this time about consent in schools.
JANE
It made me so angry! I mean, can you imagine, not teaching kids about consent?
LUCY
My only counter-argument, and it’s a small one, would be that giving kids a handful of consent lessons that they’ll barely listen to, is a little bit like pissing on a wildfire. You’ve got to tackle the whole culture, no?
MARK
But how do you start tackling the whole culture? You can build to something bigger if you start small.
KEL
And sometimes you can dismantle a whole machine by removing one bolt.
JANE
We have wise men at the table.
LUCY
Hey, don’t get me wrong, I fully agree. I think it’s fucking bullshit that you weren’t allowed to set aside a whole lesson about it. Was just playing devil’s advocate.
KEL
I mean, for what it’s worth, I could have really done with consent lessons at school. Like, as an adult, it’s one of the most important things I come across, boundaries. It’s so fucking crucial to maintaining adult relationships. And I wasn’t even aware of it, outside of as an abstract thing, until I left school and was in my first year of university, you know?
MARK
I definitely get that. I would have found it useful at school too.
LUCY
You should just do the lesson anyway.
JANE
Ha. Maybe I will.
KEL
Oh, that reminds me, have any of you guys seen the film-
Suddenly, an older woman, around fifty, appears next to Kel. Her name is Belle, she’s short, and wears big glasses that hide her face. She’s French, and speaks with an accent.
BELLE
Hello, is anybody sat here?
JANE
No, no, take a seat.
BELLE
My name is Belle, I’m new here. This is my first fetish event.
MARK
Nice to meet you Belle, I’m Mark. This is my fiance Jane.
Jane gives a friendly wave hello.
KEL
I’m Kel.
BELLE
Nice to meet you, Mark, Jane, Kel. And you are…?
She looks at Lucy.
LUCY
I’m Lucy! Hello Belle!
MARK
So did you say this was your first time?
BELLE
Yes. I’ve always been curious about this kind of thing before, and I’ve had some solo adventures, but it’s only recently that I’ve had the opportunity to explore it as a community.
MARK
That’s cool. What kind of area of kink interests you?
BELLE
I’m not entirely sure. It’s tricky. I was married to a guy who was a lot older than me, and who was very controlling. So I am quite submissive, but I don’t know how much of that is marraige behaviour. Even though I am submissive, I would quite like to be in control once. But it is tricky.
MARK
Well, all of us here have been confused at one point or another.
JANE
Some of us still are.
She points cheekily to Kel.
KEL
Ha, thanks Jane. It’s my first night too.
BELLE
Your first night, and already you are being teased like this? You must be a glutton for punishment.
KEL
That’s open to debate.
MARK
She’s got a read on you already.
Belle smiles.
BELLE
I only tease. I can stop.
KEL
You’re fine. I am, however, going to take a leak. Keep the seat warm for me.
Kel gets up, and heads to the toilet.
INT. BAR TOILET – NIGHT
Kel is sat down in a toilet stall. He looks a little bewildered, and he laughs and smiles.
KEL
(to himself)
Oh my god. What the fuck.
He pulls out his phone, and scrolls through it. He gets a notification, which we see; a tinder notification saying ‘you have a new match’. He opens it, and it’s a young woman, called Marion. She’s twenty-one, a university student, and her pictures are various innocent pictures of her in clubs, with friends. Her bio reads ‘biology student – like long walks on the beach and pretending I’m in Baywatch – tell me your best joke, and then when I see your penis I can tell you which one made me laugh more’.
Kel smiles, and types in a message.
‘I have a micropenis, and I don’t know any jokes, so… Think I scupper your plan.”
She starts typing immediately, then stops, then starts again. Then he gets a message which reads;
‘At least I know that if you give me an inch it won’t lead to a mile.’
Kel laughs out loud.
INT. BAR ROOM – NIGHT
Kel is walking across the room to the table. Everyone is listening to Belle speak. Kel takes a seat.
BELLE
Crikey, it must seem awfully like a cliche to be talking of being an artist, in this town.
JANE
Oh, we get it all the time.
BELLE
Must seem awfully tiresome.
MARK
Not at all.
Kel looks at her.
MARK
(to Kel)
Belle was just telling us about what she does. She’s an artist.
KEL
Oh, another one?
Belle looks at him, and Kel gives her an enormous and massively endearing grin. Belle smiles back at him.
BELLE
You must not be so cheeky. I was saying, it must seem awfully cliche.
KEL
Well, it’s the one cliche that will always get a pass. Or, I mean, so I’m told. I’m pretty new here.
BELLE
How new is new?
KEL
A month. Just, uh, y’know. Getting myself out there, I guess. Seeing what’s about. Who I am.
BELLE
You seem so hesitant. You must not be afraid to talk of what you want.
KEL
I know, I know, it’s…
BELLE
No, no ‘I know’. I spend thirty or so years under the thumb of this tyrant, this awful man, and I was knowing all along what it was I wanted. You are privileged man, Kel, and you must know it, or it will be wasted.
A pause. Kel looks uncertain. Jane has a wry smile. Lucy is only half in the conversation. Mark doesn’t know what to make of it either.
BELLE
I am sorry. My English becomes bad when I am talking passionately.
KEL
I’m sorry for, uh…
BELLE
No, it was unfair of me. I just know men like you. You will talk and think and deliberate, and then one day your choices will be gone.
KEL
I know. But it really is new to me. I’m just figuring out who I am.
BELLE
Well, I’m new to this too. So at least on that we can agree.
Belle smiles at Kel sincerely, and Kel responds with a slightly more hesitant, awkward smile.
EXT. BAR ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Various people are exiting the pub, including Kel. Kel’s phone is in Mark’s hands.
MARK
There you go mate, you’re in the inner circle.
KEL
Do we have a handshake or something?
MARK
Just you wait.
Mark winks at Kel, and hands his phone back to him.
KEL
(to everyone)
Well, it was good to meet you all.
LUCY
You too! Come back soon!
KEL
I will! Have a good night everyone.
Mark nods.
JANE
You too.
Kel sets off down the street. EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Kel is walking up the street, with his headphones in. A figure emerges behind him, shadowy, but we can tell it is Belle. She walks up to him, and then a little nervously puts her hand on his shoulder. This makes Kel jump out of his skin, and rip his headphones off, and give a little yelp.
KEL
Oh my god. Holy shit.
BELLE
I am sorry. I wanted to talk, but I did not know how to do it.
KEL
Wew. No. It’s fine.
Kel puts his hand on his chest in a gesture of only semi-mock shock.
KEL
Crikey.
BELLE
Are you okay?
KEL
Yeah. Just easily startled. Wew. Are you okay?
BELLE
Yes, I am fine. I just wanted to talk. I was too aggressive in the pub, and not in the fun way, I think.
KEL
Ha. No, it was fine. I can see why you might have an axe to grind.
BELLE
Yes, well. Which way are you walking?
KEL
Oh, well, the last bus has gone, so I’ve got a three mile walk ahead of me.
BELLE
Such a long distance.
KEL
Yeah. It was the only affordable place.
BELLE
Of course, it is so extortionate here.
KEL
Yeah.
BELLE
I live five minutes from here. Would you like a night-cap?
KEL
Uh… No. Thank you, but… It’s a little late for me.
BELLE
But you are young, you must be going out late! That is the joy of youth!
KEL
No, I know, I know…
BELLE
‘I know’. But I understand. Well, do you have a phone?
KEL
I do.
Kel hands it to her. Belle types in her number.
BELLE
You can message me, and we can talk, and you can come round, if you want.
KEL
Okay. Thank you. Yeah.
BELLE
You have a safe walk now.
KEL
I will, thank you.
They look at each other. Kel sort of leans in for a hug, with Belle reciprocates. He awkwardly kisses her on the cheek, and then recoils out of embarassment. When he splits apart, Belle is looking at him with a small smile.
KEL
Yeah, uh. Yeah. Bye bye Belle.
Kel starts to walk down the street.
INT. KEL’S FLAT – MORNING
A clock on the wall tells us it is half nine in the morning. Two people, a woman (Greta) and a non-binary person (Finn) are sat on the sofa, watching cartoons. They are embracing casually. Kel walks down some stairs at the back of the house. He is still wearing his clothes from last night. He looks rough. He ambles over to the sofa, and sits on it, next to Greta and Finn.
FINN
Good night, Mr Kink?
Kel buries his face in his hands.
KEL
Yes. It was.
GRETA
And that’s bad, is it?
KEL
Yes. No. Yes. No. I don’t know. My head hurts.
FINN
Aw, little baby.
KEL
Says the folks watching kids cartoons.
FINN
Hey now, hey now. Cartoons are the most active form of praxis.
KEL
Yada yada. I still don’t even know what praxis means.
GRETA
We know.
Finn laughs loudly.
KEL
Mm. No. Too loud.
FINN
(louder) What was that?
KEL
Too loud.
FINN
(louder) What was that?
Kel makes a pitiful groaning noise, and then leans on his side on the sofa.
FINN
Baby.
Kel lightly kicks Finn on their thigh.
GRETA
What time did you even get back last night?
KEL
Oh, like… Two. I think? Actually I have no idea. Probably a lot later.
GRETA
Must have been pretty late. We didn’t hear you.
KEL
Well, that’s something.
They sit there for a moment, watching the show.
GRETA
Didn’t you have a date with Henrietta today?
Mmf. Yes. Fuck. Might bail.
FINN
Men continue to be disappointing.
KEL
Oh shush.
FINN
No.
GRETA
They won’t do that, I’m afraid.
FINN
You could take her to a place that does a fry-up? Annihilate that hangover with grease.
KEL
Good plan.
Kel rises from the sofa.
KEL
Shower. Shower will help.
Kel walks back up the stairs, slowly.
FINN
So fragile.
GRETA
I know.
Greta kisses Finn.
GRETA
Love you.
FINN
You too.
EXT. CAFE – LUNCHTIME
Kel is stood in front of a cafe, dressed nicely. He still looks rough, but he just about passes for the day. He is looking at his phone, then at people walking on the street. Then he sees her, Henrietta, the girl mentioned earlier.
She’s the kind of girl who physically embodies ‘nice, normal, girl’. Nice smile, nice looks, a kind face. There is an edge to her, but we don’t know this yet, and we’re not sure if Kel does either.
HENRIETTA
Hello you.
KEL
Hey.
HENRIETTA
How are you feeling today?
KEL
I’m good, thanks. I think. I made it today, which is the important thing.
HENRIETTA
Aw. I’m glad you had a good time last night.
KEL
Thank you.
HENRIETTA
I didn’t know board games enthusiasts went so hard.
She laughs. Kel laughs too, then when she isn’t looking, grimaces guiltily.
INT. CAFE – LUNCHTIME
They are sat down. A waiter is at their table taking their order.
HENRIETTA
I’ll have the full English, please.
Kel gives a little Obama ‘not-bad’ face.
KEL
I’ll have the same, but, uh, the vegan one.
WAITER
Very good.
The waiter walks away.
HENRIETTA
I forgot you were vegan. You little do-gooder.
KEL
I don’t feel very do-good right now.
HENRIETTA
Well, I’m touched you made it. Are your board game friends pretty heavy drinkers then?
KEL
Yeah, you could, uh… Say that. Anyway. Let’s move on. How was your evening? What did you get up to last night?
HENRIETTA
Oh, this and that. Me and my housemates watched a film.
KEL
Anything good?
HENRIETTA
No, it was… Bad Grandpa? I think.
KEL
The one with the rude Grandpa?
Henrietta laughs.
HENRIETTA
Yeah, what gave it away?
KEL
Well… There’s two.
HENRIETTA
Oh? I didn’t know it was a genre.
KEL
Yeah. There’s one with Robert De Niro, and one with the guy from Jackass, but in old man makeup.
HENRIETTA
Oh. I don’t think there was makeup. Well, I guess there could have been.
KEL
De Niro has looked like he’s wearing a mask for years now.
HENRIETTA
Who’s De Niro?
KEL
He’s… He’s got this face. It’s like a… Sort of-
Kel does an atrocious, and yet faintly recognisable, De Niro face. Henrietta laughs.
HENRIETTA
Yeah! Yeah that’s the one.
KEL
That’ll be Dirty Grandpa. It’s really sexist.
HENRIETTA
Yeah, it is.
KEL
Yay for that.
HENRIETTA
I think I found it too funny to care.
EXT. STREET – DAY
The sun has come out, and Kel and Henrietta are walking and talking down the street.
KEL
No, no, I’m just saying. Seagulls are aggressive, but pigeons can play the long game. In combat, seagulls would win, but we’re talking about war, right?
HENRIETTA
Yeah.
KEL
And I think in a war, pigeons would be more willing to adopt strategy, and strategy wins wars.
HENRIETTA
But seagulls are bigger.
KEL
It’s not the size of your army, it’s what you do with it.
HENRIETTA
Gross.
KEL
I just have confidence in the moxie of pigeons.
HENRIETTA
Well, I have confidence in the aggression of seagulls.
KEL
Well, it’s not my fault that you got scratched by the weaker bird.
HENRIETTA
If it was a weaker bird, it wouldn’t have scratched me.
KEL
If you hadn’t been holding chips, it wouldn’t have scratched you. If you’d have been a pigeon, it definitely wouldn’t have scratched you.
Henrietta laughs.
HENRIETTA
You talk an incredible amount of bullshit.
INT. SHOP – DAY
Henrietta and Kel are looking at novelty toys in a shop. Kel grabs a giant candy penis and waves it around.
HENRIETTA
You’re setting dangerous precedents there.
KEL
Oops. Shit.
Kel exagerratedly puts the candy penis down. Henrietta grabs a toy gun
HENRIETTA
Hands up.
Kel throws his hands up, and jokingly gets on his knees.
KEL
(in a mock Italian-American gangster accent)
Please, no. Please. Please. I have a family. I have kids. Please, Tony, you can’t do this to me.Tony, please. We’ve broken bread together, you’ve invited me to your house. The feds, they didn’t, I swear to yous Tony, I didn’t say nuthin!
Henrietta starts laughing. Kel gets up. A woman in the aisle is looking at him, bemused.
KEL
Thanks, I worked hard on that accent. Free performance. (as the woman is walking past). You’re welcome. Follow me on Insta.
Henrietta hits him lightly on the shoulder.
HENRIETTA
Oh stop.
KEL
Nah.
They exit the shop.
EXT. STREET – DAY
They leave the shop, and Henrietta grabs Kel’s arm.
HENRIETTA
Where do you wanna go now?
KEL
Well… We could make a start on one of those shows it’s criminal that I haven’t watched yet.
HENRIETTA
That sounds good.
KEL
Your place or mine?
HENRIETTA
Hm.
KEL
My housemates will be in.
HENRIETTA
Greta and Finn, wasn’t it?
KEL
Yeah. Good pair. Finn can be a bit of a dick, though.
HENRIETTA
Finn goes by they pronouns, don’t… They?
KEL
Yeah. Usually I just use their name, though. You get used to it.
HENRIETTA
It’s nice that you respect them.
KEL
Basic shit, y’know.
HENRIETTA
Yeah. It’s all so new to me.
KEL
Me too.
A pause.
HENRIETTA
Well, my place is empty today, so…
INT. HENRIETTA’S BEDROOM – DAY
Henrietta and Kel are lying on a bed, with an open laptop in front of them, with some Netflix show on.
KEL
And what do you want to do after your degree?
HENRIETTA
I think I want to be a teacher.
KEL
Teaching English?
HENRIETTA
Philosophy, actually.
KEL
Oh really?
HENRIETTA
Yeah. I could only go up to GCSE level, but I think that’s fun.
KEL
Yeah?
HENRIETTA
Yeah. I think as much as philosophy can be obscure and difficult, the concepts work best with children.
KEL
In what way?
HENRIETTA
Well, everything’s a surprise when you’re a child, right?
KEL
Yeah.
HENRIETTA
Everything is new. And philosophical concepts, which are like, meant to expand your perceptions, are going to be really fresh when you’re a child. And I like that. I like the idea of opening minds.
KEL
That’s really cool.
HENRIETTA
Urgh. No, it’s a little bit sickening, to be honest.
KEL
Well, I disagree. I like that you’re passionate about it.
HENRIETTA
Thank you.
Henrietta cuddles up to Kel, and kisses him on the cheek. She puts her arm around his front, and leans into his chest.
KEL
You can’t see the TV if you sit like that.
HENRIETTA
I’m not fussed.
KEL
Aw.
They sit for a minute.
KEL
Uh, Hen?
HENRIETTA
Yeah?
KEL
I, uh… Need a wee.
HENRIETTA
Yeah?
KEL
Could you, uh…?
Kel wiggles, as if to say ‘move’. Henrietta holds him more tightly. Kel laughs.
KEL
Hen, come on.
HENRIETTA
What?
KEL
Hen, please.
Kel laughs. Henrietta laughs into Kel’s chest.
KEL
I am going to do a massive, massive wee in your bed. Is that what you want?
HENRIETTA
Maybe.
KEL
I’m not joking.
HENRIETTA
Go on then. Call your bluff.
KEL
I don’t think that’s how bluffs work…
HENRIETTA
Well, it is now.
Kel wriggles out of Henrietta’s arms, and down the bed. His head is at Henrietta’s crotch level.
KEL
Bloody ‘ell.
Henrietta laughs.
HENRIETTA
It’s your mess. Get yourself out of it.
KEL
Please, I do really need a wee.
HENRIETTA
Nobody’s stopping you.
Henrietta wraps her legs around Kel’s body, effectively pinning him. Then she sits up, straddling his chest.
KEL
What’s that you were saying?
HENRIETTA
Nobody’s stopping you.
Kel smiles at her. Then he grabs her arms, and in one swift motion moves himself from under her, sits up, and pins her arms to the bed. Now he is on top of her. Henrietta smiles.
KEL
Let. Me. Piss.
HENRIETTA
Okay. You win this round.
They look at each other. Henrietta smiles at him. Their heads are close. Are they going to kiss? Henrietta makes a face, inviting the kiss. Kel is clearly torn. Then, a crippling wave of doubt hits him, visible, and painful. Kel looks down, his face dark and stern all of a sudden.
KEL
I’m uh… Just going for a wee.
He gets off, and walks into Henrietta’s little en-suite room.
INT. EN-SUITE – DAY
Kel is urinating in the room. He closes his eyes. He exhales, loudly, and then breathes in sharply, and exhales loudly again. He gives his bits a shake, flushes the toilet, puts the seat down, then turns round to the sink. He washes his hands, and as he does so he looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are bloodshot and filled with conflict.
INT. HENRIETTA’S BEDROOM – DAY
Kel has left the bathroom, and walks back into the bedroom. Henrietta is sat upright, back against the bed, watching the laptop. Kel comes and sits next to her.
KEL
I’m sorry.
HENRIETTA
Why?
KEL
I…
HENRIETTA
Why did you say you were sorry, then?
KEL
No, it’… I like you, Hen. I do. But it’s early. And I’m… I’m not ready. For this. For that, yet.
HENRIETTA
For what?
KEL
Oh, Hen, come on. That was obviously a moment.
HENRIETTA
A moment’s a moment. You mean you didn’t enjoy it?
KEL
No, I did, very much. But it’s… I want to have more of this, first.
Kel grabs her hand, and holds it up.
KEL
I just want this, before anything happens.
HENRIETTA
Okay.
KEL
Is that okay?
HENRIETTA
Yeah.
KEL
What?
Henrietta pauses. Then she stops, and she smiles at him.
HENRIETTA
Nothing.
KEL
Are you sure?
HENRIETTA
Yeah. I just thought you were… Yeah.
KEL
I know. I thought it was going to go there too. But…
HENRIETTA
Yeah?
KEL
I haven’t really spoken about my ex much, but… There’s a lot, there. A lot that I still haven’t processed. And I don’t want to do something with you that might entail further commitment, when I just might not be ready for that.
HENRIETTA
So you’re not committed to me?
KEL
No, I am. I really am. That’s not the issue, as such.
HENRIETTA
So what is?
KEL
I’m just not ready for that yet. Is that okay?
HENRIETTA
Yes. It is. Yes it is.
KEL
Yeah?
HENRIETTA
Yeah. I get it. You can set the pace.
KEL
Thank you. It won’t be like this forever. I just need to figure out some bits and pieces.
HENRIETTA
Of course.
KEL
And, you know, if it takes too long to figure out, then you’re welcome to look elsewhere. Like, if this is too slow for you, please say.
HENRIETTA
Is that what you’re doing? Looking elsewhere?
KEL
No. No it isn’t.
A pause.
KEL
I wish it was, though. It would make more sense than this indescribable ick feeling.
Henrietta looks at him quizzically. Kel gives a small shrug. Still holding each other’s hands, they continue to watch Netflix together.
INT. KEL’S BEDROOM – DAY
Kel is back on his bed. He is lying down, dozing off. He looks at his phone, and sees a text from Henrietta, reading ‘had a nice time today. Hope you get some rest 🙂 xx’. He sends back a smiley emoji. Then he opens Tinder, and sees a second message from Marion. It reads ‘I think you might have to come round and prove you don’t have a microepenis…’.
Ben half-smiles, and then exits the app. Then he deletes the app entirely. Then he puts his phone down. He closes his eyes.
Cut to a shot of Kel fully asleep on his bed. He is drooling. It is still afternoon, and he is in his clothes. He has clearly fallen fully asleep. His phone starts to ring. It rings off. Then it starts ringing again. Kel opens his eyes, then shuts them. Then he opens them again. He reaches his hand behind him, reaching for his phone. He pats the bed a few times, then finds it. Without looking, he swipes and takes the call.
KEL
What is it?
A pause.
KEL
What?
A pause.
KEL
Yeah, I live around that area. Okay. Okay. I’m… (he yawns). I’m coming. Give me five.
INT. PUB – DAY
A smaller pub than yesterday. Kel walks in through the door, and scans the room. At the back he sees Lucy, from last night, sat on her own. He walks over. Lucy’s eyes are slightly red.
KEL
Uh, hey.
He takes a seat.
LUCY
Hello. Sorry. I…
KEL
It’s okay. What happened?
LUCY
God, it sounds so dumb. He just… He came in. He saw me, and then he just ran out. I…
KEL
That’s shit.
LUCY
Yeah. I don’t know. It caught me off-guard. I started to panic, I felt self-conscious, I… I didn’t know what to do… You said you lived round here, and…
KEL
It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.
LUCY
Sorry, were you in the middle of something?
KEL
No, not at all. Well. Sleeping. But that’s not really something, I guess.
LUCY
I’m sorry. We hardly know each other. It just… I panicked. Do you have anxiety?
KEL
No. I get anxious, but I don’t have anxiety.
LUCY
That’s good.
KEL
You have anxiety?
LUCY
Badly.
KEL
That’s okay.
LUCY
Is it?
KEL
Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, it’s probably horrible. But I won’t, uh, judge.
They sit there for a moment.
KEL
Is there anything I can do?
Lucy pauses.
INT. KEL’S BEDROOM – DAY
Lucy is wearing lingerie, and is blindfolded on Kel’s bed, on her front, with her arms tied to the bedpost. Kel is complete naked, and holding a belt.
KEL
What do I do?
LUCY
Well, you negotiate the scene first.
KEL
Okay.
LUCY
But today we won’t be doing that.
KEL
Right.
LUCY
I just want you to hit me.
KEL
On your, uh… Bum?
LUCY
Yes. Call it my arse if you want.
KEL
Okay.
There’s a pause. Lucy turns round and looks at Kel (albeit with her blindfold on).
LUCY
What are you waiting for?
KEL
The right moment.
LUCY
But I’ve told you what I want you to do to me.
KEL
I know. Turn around.
Lucy does, with a small smirk on her face. Kel stands there for a short moment, with the doubt and hesitation playing on his face. Then it erodes, not dissimilar to how it did when Lucy and Kel were talking in the pub. He walks across the room to her, holding the belt up, and he traces the tip of the belt along her rear. He teases it across each cheek, and then makes an exagerrated upwards motion with his arm which Lucy obviously hears, and braces herself for. Then nothing happens. Lucy buries her face in the pillow. Then Kel walks around to the other side of the bed and stands there for a second. Then he lifts up his arm and in one swift motion strikes Lucy across her rear with the belt.
Her body immediately arches up, and she screams.
LUCY
FUCK!
KEL
Shut up.
LUCY
What?
KEL
I said shut up.
Lucy looks round to him again, concerned.
LUCY
Kel, I…
KEL
Turn around and shut up.
Lucy does, smirking. Kel walks to the end of the bed, and looks at Lucy.
KEL
Lift your bum up.
Lucy does, a little bit.
KEL
All the way up.
Lucy gets onto her knees. Her bum is in the air, and she is in an arched positioin.
KEL
Good.
There’s a pause. Kel’s confidence minutely dips. He starts looking down, and taking short breaths. Then he looks back up again at the ceiling, and gives a wry smile. He strikes her, but less hard than before, on her behind. Then he does so again. Then he stops. Lucy lets her behind relax, and as she does so, Kel strikes her with everything he has. The belt comes in with as much force as he can, and Lucy’s entire body buckles and then disintegrates. She doesn’t say anything. She screams into the pillow, but it’s muffled.
Then she lifts her head up, and screams.
LUCY
Oh fuck. Oh fuck!
Kel rushes over to her, and takes off her blindfold.
KEL
Are you okay? Are you all right?
LUCY
Yes. Fuck. Yes.
KEL
Did that did it for you?
LUCY
Hm. Yes. It did.
KEL
Good. Least I could do.
LUCY
Are you… Done?
KEL
Yeah. It… It’s just not me, Lucy.
LUCY
Well, you’re fucking good at it. How can I repay the favour?
KEL
I’m not sure you can. I… I’m seeing someone at the moment. And I think she’s vanilla. I mean, I don’t know if I’m not vanilla. But it wouldn’t feel… Right.
LUCY
That’s not what I’ve heard.
KEL
Oh, did you… Hear?
LUCY
Oh yeah.
KEL
Well.
From the shot we have of the pair next to each other, Lucy lifts up her legs, and takes off her socks with her feet. She rubs her feet together. Kel notices.
KEL
No, no no. Stop that.
Lucy looks at Kel flirtatiously.
LUCY
Are you sure?
KEL
Yes. Another time.
A pause. Lucy puts her legs down.
LUCY
You like this girl, don’t you?
KEL
Quite a bit, yeah.
LUCY
Well you know what the first rule of the kink lifestyle is, right?
KEL
Safe and sane?
LUCY
Well, okay. After that. It’s communication.
KEL
Right.
LUCY
Everybody in the kink community communicates. It’s just how it is. And you’ve been very good with us, but you haven’t been great with this girl, whoever she is, or so it seems. And if she is vanilla, and you like her, you have a choice to make. Because deceit will not win you any friends with us.
KEL
I know.
LUCY
We know you know. But what are you going to do about it?
KEL
I don’t know.
LUCY
Great.
Kel smiles.
KEL
I just don’t. And it’s a bullshit problem to have, right? Like, on the one hand, I could get a loving girlfriend. But on the other hand, I could get a new network of sexually enlightened friends, who might help me through some hangups I’ve had since I was thirteen, but not had the balls to act on.
LUCY
Why is that?
KEL
What?
LUCY
Why haven’t you had the balls to act on it?
KEL
It’s a long story… For a long time I was with someone who made me feel quite bad for wanting to do the things I wanted to do, and it… I don’t know. I’d rather not go into it.
LUCY
Of course. I won’t pry.
KEL
I am fully aware there are worse problems to have, by the way.
LUCY
But it’s still a problem.
KEL
Yeah.
A pause.
KEL
I just wish I knew who I was. You know?
LUCY
Nobody really knows who they are.
KEL
Yeah, but I don’t even know who I’m not.
INT. KEL’S FLAT – EVENING
It is dark now. Kel has just seen Lucy out of the door, and is filling up a glass of water. He does so, and then walks back up the stairs. When he gets to the top, Greta and Finn poke their heads through the door. He looks at them. They are smiling.
FINN
Who the fuck are you, dude?
Kel shrugs. He walks into his room. Greta looks at Finn a little quizically. Finn sticks their tongue out at Greta playfully.
FINN
Will you tie me up and do those things to me?
GRETA
You should be so lucky.
They go into their room and shut the door. Hold the static shot of the end of the corridor. For a couple of seconds.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Kel is walking into an office. He takes a seat at his desk, and logs into his computer. He is wearing smart clothes, a shirt and tie. A young man, Mark, is sat in the seat next to him.
MARK
Good weekend?
Kel looks up at Mark. Smash cut to-
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
It is just after Kel has said goodbye to Belle. He is walking down the street. Then he looks up. And he runs back to Belle, who has started walking the other way. He runs up to Belle, who turns round, and starts looking at her.
CUT TO-
INT. BELLE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Belle’s apartment is massive and, it must be noted, incredibly clean. The lights are on when Belle and Kel come in through the door. Belle looks around, smiling.
BELLE
Wow, this is far better than I would have imagined.
KEL
What is?
A man in a maid’s outfit emerges from a side room into the hallway. His name is Deborah. He walks up to Belle and gets onto his knees, and kisses the tops of her feet.
DEBORAH
Good evening, my Belle.
BELLE
Good evening Deborah. You have done an excellent job here tonight, it is very spotless.
Kel looks at this scene, slightly confused.
BELLE
This is my friend, Kel.
Kel gives the definition of an awkward wave.
KEL
Hello Deborah.
DEBORAH
(to Belle)
Will he be playing with us tonight?
BELLE
Shush, my pet. We do not want to scare him.
She laughs. Kel laughs too, but uneasily.
BELLE
(to Kel)
It is such an extravagant apartment, I could not possibly clean it all. So I have help.
KEL
(to Deborah)
And do you, uh, enjoy this?
DEBORAH
I enjoy serving mistress in whatever way she wants me to.
Belle laughs.
BELLE
He is such a polite little sub. I make sure he is recompensated for his time. It is what you might call an agreement.
DEBORAH
Thank you, mistress.
They lock eyes and smile at each other with a deeply felt warmth. Kel is framed in the background, observing, uncertain.
DEBORAH
Can I make both of you a drink?
BELLE
I would love one.
KEL
Oh, uh, are you sure?
They laugh.
BELLE
It is his job to serve. And he is also a barman, so he makes a good cocktail.
KEL
Uh, okay, sure. Surprise me.
INT. BELLE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Belle is draped elegantly over a leather sofa, while Deborah is on his knees in front of her like a dog. Kel is on an armchair facing them, and in the background behind him is a giant, blood-red, Rothko-esque painting. Belle and Kel are holding elaborate looking drinks. Kel takes a drink of his.
KEL
This is… Really, really good. Thank you Deborah.
DEBORAH
That’s okay. You struck me as a Tom Collins man.
KEL
I’ve never had one.
BELLE
You have now.
DEBORAH
I’m good at getting a read on people.
BELLE
Such a perceptive submissive.
KEL
So how did you two, uh…
BELLE
The fetish website. I receive so many messages from male submissives. But there was something about this one.
Deborah looks up at Belle, fondly.
BELLE
We have not been seeing each other long. Two months, or so. But he has been just darling after this divorce.
KEL
Well, that’s good. We all need something to take the pain away.
BELLE
Pain? What is this pain?
KEL
Oh, uh, nothing, just an expression.
BELLE
I know that you meant it to be polite. But let me tell you that the day I was free of that man was the most beautiful day of my whole life. I have never felt so free, and I never will again. Deborah here is not a coping mechanism. He is what I have always wanted, and what I have only just allowed myself to have.
She grabs his hand. He brushes his head against her knee.
BELLE
And later tonight, I am going to wear a very large dildo, and I am going to hurt him with it.
Deborah closes his eyes and smiles, leaning forward with anticipation.
DEBORAH
And I cannot wait.
KEL
I see. Well, uh, say the word, and I can… Get out of here.
BELLE
Oh no. Well. You are welcome to leave. But not before we ask a small favour of you.
KEL
What’s that?
BELLE
We need, a, uh… Witness, I guess you might call it.
Deborah smiles.
DEBORAH
She’s deliberately being cryptic. Are you handy with a camera?
Kel looks at them both, slightly bewildered.
INT. BELLE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Deborah is naked, lying on his front, with his hands tied to each side of the bedpost. Belle is in lingerie and wearing a very large dildo. She is liberally rubbing lubrication on it. Kel is holding a camera in his hands which is a little too good to be amateur, but isn’t quite a professional camera either.
KEL
So do I, uh…
Belle points.
BELLE
That button pauses and unpauses. That button there does, how do you say, with the focussing?
Deborah turns his head round- he’s blindfolded.
DEBORAH
Autofocus.
BELLE
Autofocus. Forgive me.
KEL
Okay. Got it.
BELLE
Are you ready to go?
KEL
Yes. Good. If you are too uncomfortable, or you want to leave, please do. Just say the word ‘Sebastian’. And there will be no judgements.
She leans in.
BELLE
And I can promise you that… My gratitude will not be insignificant.
She turns away and stretches. She presses a button on a CD player, and smooth jazz starts to play.
BELLE
And go.
Kel presses the button. Belle gets onto the bed, with her dildo, and moves towards Deborah, who lifts his ass. Just as she’s about to enter him, the camera tracks and pivots slightly towards Kel. We hear the sounds of sex, grunting, pained noises, and the camera continues to track until it is directly facing Kel, hidden behind his camera. The noises and the creaking of the bed grow louder and louder, and the camera continues to track towards Kel, who is expressionless. The sounds get louder, the noises get more enthusiastic, and Kel seems entirely nonplussed; until, right in the thick of things, he smiles.
Cut to black, but the sounds continue for a further five or ten seconds.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Kel is sat next to a normal guy called Mark.
MARK
Did you hear me mate? Good weekend?
Kel’s eyes go from glazed over to sharp. He smiles.
KEL
Yes! Sorry. Not awake yet. It was good. Caught up on boxsets and went for a run. How about you?
INT. KEL’S FLAT – EVENING
Kel is in his flat, taking off his tie. He sits on the edge of the bed. He looks at his phone, and then presses a button, and puts his phone to his ear. Ring. Ring. Ring. Please leave a voicemail.
KEL
Hey, Hen. It’s me. Uh… I wanted to ask if you wanted to go for a drink tonight. If you want. I’d like to see you. I’m sorry for yesterday. I don’t know what impression I gave, but if possible I’d like to correct it. Please.
INT. HENRIETTA’S BEDROOM – EVENING
Henrietta is listening to the voicemail, sat on her bed. When it ends, she falls back on her bed. Smash cut to-
INT. HENRIETTA’S BEDROOM – DAY
The other day. Kel has just walked into the en-suite toilet, and Henrietta immediately reaches for Kel’s phone on the side. She opens up the display, and there is a tinder notification; “Marion sent you a new message”. Henrietta looks at it, and purses her lips. Then she puts the phone down. Then the toilet flushes.
Smash cut.
INT. HENRIETTA’S BEDROOM – EVENING
Henrietta sighs. Then she picks up her phone. She opens it, and scrolls to Kel’s number. She pauses, then presses it.
Then she puts her phone to her ear.
HENRIETTA
Hey, Kel? Yeah. It’s me. I just got your voicemail, and uh… I think-
Abrupt cut to black. Credits.
The Appreciation Index 